You Each Time
by littlestkitten
Summary: Yuuri and Conrad have finally gotten together. But Conrad has an untimely realization. Conrad/Yuuri
1. In which multiple conversations are had

Title: You Each Time

Author: Littlestkitten (saratu on lj)

Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou

Pairing: Conrad/Yuuri, implied past Conrad/Julia

Rating: G

Word Count: 2,575

Summary: Yuuri and Conrad have finally gotten together. But Conrad has an untimely realization.

Notes: This was just a "what if?" scenario that wouldn't leave me alone. There's a full explanation at the end of my thought processes behind it. Don't hate me? And just to be clear, this is not part of my other arc. This is supposed to be a stand-alone but I might eventually write a sequel. Emphasis on might and eventually.

* * *

The past few months had been bliss for Yuuri. Not only had he resolved things with Wolfram without having to get married, but he had also confessed to Conrad and had his feelings returned. The first few weeks had been spent in a joyful sort of daze that nothing, not even paperwork, had been able to pull him out of.

But now things weren't looking so good. Something was wrong with Conrad. He had gotten to know the man well enough that even with Conrad's near perfect poker face it was still obvious when things weren't okay. He had made it his immediate mission to discover exactly what the problem was.

Conrad was not always easy to find, but he still seemed to be in the first place Yuuri decided to look for him. It was one of those odd phenomena that only seemed to work for the young king. Anyone else could search for Conrad for hours and not find him, but the instant Yuuri set out, Conrad would just appear. It was something that had sent Wolfram into jealous rages in the past, even though Yuuri could never figure out how such a sixth sense could possibly mean he was cheating.

This day was no different than any other and Yuuri had gone no further than the courtyard when he found Conrad dismounting from a patrol. He smiled softly as he watched the soldier gently lead his horse into the stable after shooing away the stable hand. Perhaps it was sappy, but it was things like this that made Yuuri love the man so much. Even though his mother had been the Maou, Conrad was still so humble and gentle with everything and everyone.

"Conrad?" Yuuri asked softly from the door, his smile widening when Conrad turned and smiled back.

"Yes, Heika?" A grumble and a glare were his response as Yuuri chastised him once more for his seemingly unbreakable habit.

"I think the fact that we're together should mean that you should remember my name!"

"Sorry, _Yuuri_."

The young king felt his breath catch when Conrad said his name. He'd always felt vaguely guilty before at how much of a thrill he got from such a simple thing. His name sounded ordinary coming from anyone else, but the way Conrad said it was just so teasing and sensual, Yuuri had almost blushed the first time he'd heard it. And he'd woken up many a morning sticky and panting with the faint echo of it in his head.

But these sorts of thoughts weren't helpful and would too easily get him sidetracked. This wasn't a conversation he particularly wanted to have and he needed to focus if he was going to get through it. He'd never really understood relationships, and the idea of talking about their specific relationship made him nervous in ways he didn't really want to think about. But he wasn't one to run from his problems and he wouldn't run from this. Even if he'd rather do almost anything else.

"Conrad . . . has something been bothering you?"

Conrad's hands slowed in their brushing motions before stilling all together and simply resting against the horses sides. He turned toward his king in such a way that made Yuuri know that he had the soldier's full attention.

"Why do you ask?"

"You just, seem unhappy lately. Almost . . . distant."

"I apologize, Yuuri. I did not mean to worry you. I've just had some things on my mind."

Conrad abruptly went back to brushing down his horse. He'd never done something like that before. He _never_ ignored Yuuri. Not unless it was an enemy or a dangerous situation and even then he always made sure that Yuuri still felt listened to. This was a dismissal, a blatant disregard that Yuuri had never faced and didn't know how to deal with. He floundered slightly before stepping forward.

His mother had always said that touch was an important part of any relationship; it was reassuring and could let someone know you cared for them without words. A hug could say many things and while Yuuri didn't know the words to say in order to make things better, he knew that sometimes simply being there for someone was enough. With that thought in mind he finished his journey into the stall before gently wrapping his arms around Conrad's waist and laying his forehead against the strong back. His only response was a slight stiffening before Conrad disengaged from him and moved to the other side of his horse.

Yuuri watched him go with a feeling of dread that he didn't quite understand. There was a good explanation for this. Conrad was just busy or had important things to think about. It wasn't Yuuri he was reacting to. He chewed his lip softly as he tried to convince himself that it wasn't his presence that seemed to be making the man so uncomfortable.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Yuuri winced slightly at the almost desperate tone in his voice. Sounding pathetic and needy wasn't going to solve anything.

Conrad sighed softly before turning at an angle so as to not quite look Yuuri in the eyes. "If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not."

"Oh, I'll just go then."

He stumbled out of the stable slowly; half hoping that he'd be called back. But there was no voice telling him to stop, and no footsteps following him.

***

It was two days later before Yuuri saw Conrad again. He'd been trying to convince himself that he wasn't being avoided. Conrad was just busy, or something. The fact that he never seemed to be anywhere Yuuri might be was just a coincidence. And Yuuri couldn't find him because he was locked away somewhere working, not because Conrad was making an effort to hide.

They ran into each other when Yuuri was heading back to his room after finishing a sufficient amount of paperwork for Gwendal to let him go. They both slowed as they drew closer before stopping entirely and just watching each other for a few moments. The air felt thick and heavy in Yuuri's throat and he felt the atmosphere getting more tense and awkward. He unconsciously started to hold his breath as he waited for something to release them from this moment.

"Yuuri, I need to tell you something."

"Okay." They watched each other for a moment more before Conrad took a deep breath and continued.

"You are, perhaps the most important person in the world to me. Nothing can change that and I will never leave your side no matter what . . . " Yuuri stiffened as Conrad trailed off. This was not good. He had never been broken up with before but this sounded like the sort of thing someone would say before doing just that. But Conrad couldn't be breaking up with him. Conrad loved him. Even if he'd never exactly said so. Conrad had to love him, he'd loved Julia and Yuuri had Julia's soul so Conrad had to love him too.

They continued to stare at each other while Conrad seemed to try to figure out what to say or maybe get the courage to actually say it. Finally Yuuri couldn't stand it anymore and prompted him.

"Conrad?" The soldier avoided his eyes for a few more moments before he seemed to get the courage to continue.

"I really do love you. I just, don't think I quite love you the way you deserve. I'm sorry."

His heart did not stop, and Yuuri refused to think something so cliché, even if it sort of felt like it _should_ have stopped. Yuuri had never been a selfish person, and he wasn't one to let others suffer, no matter how much pain they might have caused him. And he could tell that Conrad was suffering right now, that his admission had cost him a lot, so Yuuri put on a brave face and did his best not to break down.

"That . . . that's okay. I . . . I understand." He took a deep breath, trying not to cry, trying to be strong; even if all he wanted to do was let the tears fall. But he couldn't stay, not after hearing something like that. So he ran. And he kept running even when Conrad called his name, his real name, and he didn't stop until he was completely lost in the gardens outside of the castle.

***

"Hey there, kiddo."

"Yozak!" Yuuri started as the man popped out from nowhere. He was on edge after his conversation and didn't quite appreciate being startled. At the same time, the other man always gave good advice, and always seemed to know exactly what to say. Maybe it would be good to talk to him.

He glanced up at Yozak who was watching him carefully. Yuuri patted the ground next to him and waited for the other man to get comfortable.

"What's wrong?" Which was just like Yozak. Apparently, he didn't believe in beating around the bush.

"Nothing," Yuuri sighed as he tried to wipe his eyes in as discreet a manner as possible. Yozak pointedly looked away to give him some privacy. After a moment he cleared his throat to show that he was ready to continue their conversation.

"Doesn't look like nothing to me. You wanna talk about it?"

They sat silently for a while as Yuuri tried to shift through his thoughts and figure out a way to voice his problem. It seemed like such an embarrassing thing to talk about, as if Yuuri wasn't good enough, or had done something to cause this. He almost wanted to just forget about the whole thing. But Yozak was Conrad's best friend, if anyone knew how to fix it, or if it could be fixed, it would be him. Finally he just went with the most straightforward wording. Might as well get it over with.

"Conrad doesn't want me anymore."

He glanced at Yozak out of the corner of his eyes as the man digested that piece of information. For once the spy didn't seem to have a quick response. Yuuri almost felt as if he should be proud for shocking the unflappable man, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to feel anything but sorrow.

"The Captain say that to you?"

Yuuri nodded before turning back to picking at grass. He couldn't quite bring himself to look Yozak in the face.

"Well, that's no good now is it?" The tone of voice was as light as usual but there was an undertone of seriousness that was unusual and almost unheard of in the spy.

Silence spread between them as Yozak watched his young king try to mutilate the innocent grass. If he was a betting man he might have made a wager that there was more to Yuuri's rapid blinking than the bright sun overhead. He'd always had rotten luck, however, and had given up gambling years ago.

"What're you gonna do about it?"

"What can I do?" And finally there was some emotion other than despair in the king's eyes. "If he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me. There's nothing _to_ do."

But the emotion was short-lived and Yuuri deflated again and went back to picking at the grass.

"Did you ask him why he doesn't love you?"

"No, I didn't want to know. It's not like knowing will change anything." Yuuri smiled bitterly at the thought. If someone didn't love you, they didn't love you. Having them tell you the reasons would only make it worse.

"It might not be as hopeless as you think. Do you mind if I talk to him?"

Yuuri shook his head lightly and glared darkly at an innocent ant before crushing it out of spite. Almost instantly he felt guilty. If anything, it made him want to cry more than before.

Yozak melted away as quickly as he came, leaving Yuuri as desolate as before. Conrad hadn't left much room for hope, and Yuuri refused to have his heart crushed twice in one day.

***

"Yo, Captain."

Yozak stepped out from behind a tree, calmly and efficiently stopping Conrart from finishing his patrol. The other man stood serenely in front of him, not seeming to care about his interrupted path. A slight nod of greeting was the only acknowledgement that Yozak received and the spy raised an eyebrow at the cold treatment. Conrart had a good poker face, but they'd been friends for too long for Yozak to not notice the slight look of apprehension that had crossed Conrart's face when he'd seen him.

"I hear you've been busy breaking hearts this evening." Yozak folded his arms and leaned back in a pose that was both nonchalant and slightly threatening.

A slight flinch was his immediate answer and Conrart's poker face finally crumbled. Their boy-king had always managed to bring out the most interesting responses in Yozak's childhood friend. "You talked to Heika?"

Yozak smiled sweetly and nodded. He'd discovered early on that people were more intimidated by friendliness than anger. It also helped lure his potential victims into false senses of security. Not that he was going to do anything to Conrart, other than make sure he felt as horrible as the Maou currently did, of course.

"He was pretty upset. Want to tell me why you decided to break his heart?"

Conrart sighed in the world-weary way he'd developed after Julia's death. It was a sound that never ceased to cause a reaction in Yozak. Half of the time it was protectiveness and a desire to help his friend. The other half of the time it was anger at the martyr role that Conrart insisted on taking. This time, it was an odd mixture of both, and Yozak started to feel a sense of foreboding about how not right this was probably going to turn out.

"Yozak, I've been a fool," Conrart trailed off before turning to stare almost longingly at the setting sun. "I thought . . . I thought that I was over Julia, that I didn't see Yuuri as a reflection of her." He paused and turned back to face his friend with such an expression of despair that Yozak felt his anger leave him as quickly as it had come. It was suddenly very clear what was going on and Yozak wished that for once he wasn't so good at predicting the outcome of things.

Well, there wasn't anything anybody could do about it. The best that could be done was to try and minimize the damage caused by this untimely and entirely unfair revelation.

"That's bad, Captain. I take it you didn't tell him that?"

Conrart snorted in derision at the question. "How could I? He has enough inferiority problems when it comes to her. I wasn't about to make them worse."

At least Conrart wasn't too stupid when it came to the boy. He started to open his mouth to speak when a snap and a rustling of leaves was heard. They both spun to face the potential enemy. All they saw, however, was the back of a suspiciously black uniform. There was silence as the realization of exactly what had happened sunk in. Yozak sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose in a decidedly Gwendal-esque movement. So much for damage control.

* * *

Notes 2.0: There are multiple issues that could possibly get in the way of Yuuri and Conrad being together. One that is frequently touched upon is Julia. Generally people just say that Conrad loves Yuuri for who he is and not because he is the king and Julia's reincarnation. As I am a glutton for punishment, and because these ideas always seem to come when I don't have time to write them, I decided to assume that he does love Yuuri because of Julia. This was just my experiment with that possibility.


	2. In which Yuuri makes a mistake

Title: You Each Time 2/?

Author: Littlestkitten (saratu on lj)

Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou

Pairing: Conrad/Yuuri, past Conrad/Julia

Rating: PG

Word Count: 1,748

Notes: I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. This is actually going places that I never even considered when I first had this idea. In order to make it happy but still realistic I think I'd have to make it rather epic. I want to stay true to my little experiment. So, for the moment I am considering this one finished. That doesn't mean I won't ever come back to it, it just means it probably won't be anytime soon. And I think it's managed to become even more angsty. Sorry.

* * *

Something had happened. Nobody knew what, but everybody could tell that it had been bad. Heika . . . Heika was not himself. It was painfully obvious to all who knew him and even to people who had only met him once. Usually, if there were something bothering their king, Conrart would be the first to try and fix it. But this time the soldier was oddly reluctant to be around the boy.

This caused most people to draw the conclusion that whatever their king was upset about involved his loyal knight. Their relationship had never been public, but they hadn't exactly made any attempt to hide it. And their king was rather obvious about the people he liked. The boy had practically glowed the first few months they'd been together. But now he was almost lifeless, wandering the halls like a ghost, like he'd lost all will to live.

The change in Conrart was not as extreme, and many failed to notice that there _was_ a change, but it was just as obvious to those that knew him. His smile was a little more strained and he would sometimes just stop and stare into the distance for a while. He'd thrown himself into duties. In fact, he was hardly ever seen in the castle anymore. He'd practically worn his soldiers out, taking them on extra patrols of the surrounding areas, and when he'd been forced to give them a break he'd offered to lead his brothers' patrols. Conrart was suffering too, maybe not as obviously as their king, but it was there.

Conrart was, and would always be, his student. And all of his antics aside, Gunter really did love his king, and he would do anything to make him smile again. He wasn't going to let either of them suffer. Something had to be done, and Gunter had always prided himself in being able to accommodate his king in anything he might need.

***

"Murata?"

The Great Sage looked up from the scroll he'd been studying to watch the 27th Maou of Shin Makoku furtively look around before entering the library. Only Shibuya would feel the need to sneak into his own library. The faint amusement at this thought was quickly overshadowed by concern at the lost look on his friend's face.

"Yes, Shibuya?"

The two teenagers regarded each other for a moment before the king broke eye contact and started picking at a loose thread on his uniform. It was an endearing habit; even if it tended to drive Lord Von Christ a little crazy with the thought of the Maou's outfit was not perfect.

"Um, you're the sage right?"

"Uh-huh," Murata drew out the answer slowly and raised an eyebrow at his friend's question.

Shibuya blushed cutely before he started to babble out an explanation. "I mean, if there was a way to do something, you'd know how. Right?"

"Shibuya," Murata trailed off and sighed. It would be nice if people didn't always expect him to always have an answer. Even though it was advantageous to appear omniscient, he sometimes couldn't help but fondly remember the past lives where he'd been normal. Even if he'd been extremely bored while living them. "Despite what you may think (and what other may have told you) I don't actually know _everything_. Although, I am flattered by the implication."

"Oh." The slight hope that had briefly sparked in Shibuya's eyes faded and he started to turn to leave. Murata sighed before he cleared his throat to get the Maou's attention. He doubted he could fix Shibuya's problem. But what sort of friend would he be if he didn't at least _try_?

When Shibuya turned back toward him he smiled his usual carefree smile. "But I'm certainly willing to try! Now, what do you need oh great king of mine?"

Shibuya glared at him and for one, blessed moment, things almost felt normal. Then the king looked away nervously and Murata once again felt a little helpless. "You remember all of your past lives, right?"

It wasn't, exactly, an unexpected question. Especially not with the way Sir Weller and Shibuya had been acting around each other. When they weren't blatantly avoiding each other, that is. He still couldn't help but wish that Shibuya had wanted his advice about something else. "Not all of them as clearly as others, but yes, I do remember them all."

"Oh."

Silence stretched between them once more. Murata had never minded silence, it was a rather useful tool in certain circumstances, but right now he was feeling decidedly uncomfortable.

"Shibuya-"

"Do you think there's a way to make me remember? I mean, make me remember who I used to be?"

Murata had devoted at least a decade's worth of time explaining how past lives worked and the differences between a person from one life to the next. He'd explained it to mothers watching their children reborn, to children watching their parents reborn, and to lovers watching their soulmates reborn. He'd also done a fair amount of explaining about how his reincarnations worked. He still had not found one explanation that made sense to everyone or that could lessen the pain of the person you once loved not knowing you anymore. There was a reason why most people chose to let their loved one's souls go where they would and not search for them.

"Shibuya . . . it is possible, with a bit of work, to get some memories back. But there's no way for you to be who you were in you past life. And nobody _wants_ you to be that person."

The 27th Maou of Shin Makoku looked up with such despair in his eyes that it almost physically hurt for Murata to look at. "I can think of one person."

***

"Conrad."

The soldier stopped at the sound of his name. He was reluctant to talk to the speaker, but then again, he was reluctant to talk to pretty much anyone. And he had never been one to shirk his duties. If the Great Sage wanted to speak to him, he would not avoid it.

"Did you need something?"

The Sage was looking at him with the same look that he'd seen shown to many a diplomat before they were crushed. Conrart wondered how long it had taken to perfect that particular smile.

"Oh, not really. I was just wondering why Shibuya seems to think that becoming Julia-san will solve something." The torches sputtered and brightened briefly, glinting off the teenager's glasses in a rather sinister way.

There was nothing about the Sage that looked physically threatening, but Conrart still feared for himself anyway. The fear was not as bad, however, as the sick feeling of shame that came with hearing the accusing words.

"I . . . I don't know. It wouldn't change anything."

It _wouldn't_ change anything. It was true. Having Julia back would not change anything. At least not for the better. Having Julia back would mean losing Yuuri. And as much as he had loved her, the thought of losing Yuuri was almost too horrible to consider. He may not love Yuuri the way the boy deserved, but he _did_ love him.

The Sage had given up his threatening look for a more accusing one. Conrart had no doubt that the teenager could make him very miserable if he wanted to.

"Maybe you should consider telling him that."

***

It had taken Conrart quite a while to find his king. He hadn't exactly considered the idea of Yuuri avoiding him. Although he doubted the boy very much wanted to see him right now. He was being regarded with an accusatory and almost fearful look from the teenager. Bile rose in his throat as Yuuri backed away from him. Conrart would never physically hurt Yuuri, they both knew that, but emotional hurt could be just as damaging.

"Heika-"

"Don't call me that!"

Conrart's eyes widened in surprise at the outburst. Yuuri also seemed taken aback and was doing his best to look at anything that wasn't Conrart.

"Yuuri." He paused for a moment to consider exactly what he wanted to say. "Even if you could bring Julia back, that wouldn't change anything. Julia and I would never have been able to be together and I came to terms with that a long time ago. We wouldn't be able to be together now, and I don't think I'd want to be with her."

"Then why?" His king looked even more hurt now. His eyes were suspiciously bright and he started to sniffle a little. "Am I just not good enough for you? Not even as Julia-san?" Yuuri wasn't exactly sobbing now but the tears had started to escape from his rapidly blinking eyes.

Conrart stared for a moment and reminded himself that he deserved this feeling of despair that watching Yuuri cry gave him. "Yuuri, it's not that you're not good enough. If anything, _I'm_ not good enough for you. I _do_ love you. Very much so. More than I loved even Julia. I just . . . I loved her differently. And it's not fair to you-"

"I don't care." Yuuri's voice had hardened even though he was still silently crying. Conrart glanced at his eyes expecting to see Judgment in them and was surprised to see Yuuri's normal large, black eyes peering at him. "Can't you just pretend? You thought you loved me that way once. I don't care if it's not true. I never doubted your love for me. Can't you just pretend again?"

"If Heika so commands it."

The boy flinched back as if he'd been hit. It was a low blow, Conrart knew this, but he couldn't let Yuuri compromise himself like this. It would be better to hurt him a little now then to promise something he wasn't sure he could deliver. They both knew that the doubt was there now, and it would never go away. And if Conrart ever did come to love Yuuri the way he deserved, there was no way the king would ever believe him if they went through with this. He was surprised to see the resolve in Yuuri's eyes as his king came to a decision.

"I do."

Conrart slowly sunk to one knee and bowed low before his king. He looked up to meet the guilty and still tear-filled eyes of his liege. "Then it will be an honor to serve you, Heika."


	3. A day in the life of the Maou

Title: You Each Time 3/?

Author: Littlestkitten (saratu on lj)

Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou

Pairing: Conrad/Yuuri, implied past Conrad/Julia

Rating: PG

Word Count: 1,483

AN: I've finally written the 3rd chapter! I'm very sorry that it's been taking me so long but I've just finished my 3rd year of nursing school and I'm finding it hard to find time/motivation to write while in school. I have three weeks before my summer session starts and I'm hoping to get at least the chapter after this one up. Considering that I have an outline of the next chapter written out that shouldn't be too hard, right? One can only hope. And do thank Aimi-chan for being the cause of my new inspiration. It was their review that made me stop studying for finals long enough to write some stuff down.

Also, you may find Conrad a little OOC in this chapter. Just keep in mind that Yuuri's POV is very biased due to his guilt.

* * *

It had been seven horrible days since Yuuri had overheard Yozak and Conrad discussing him, seven horrible days since his heart had shattered. It had been two days since he'd made the biggest mistake in his life, two days since he'd ordered the man he loved into a farce of a relationship and ruined the possibility of anything ever happening between them again.

Yesterday he had been full of panic, afraid that Conrad would leave but also that he wouldn't_, _that Yuuri would have to continue with this course of action. He'd spent the day jumping at every odd noise and not being able to concentrate on the simplest of things. Everyone had given him odd looks, except for Conrad who continued on as if it was perfectly normal behavior. But today he had decided to put an end to that. If Conrad could pretend to be normal, then so could he. So Yuuri had forced a sense of calm to overtake him and had almost convinced himself that he wasn't panicking every time his eyes met Conrad's.

It was almost perfect, the way they were together again, just like before. Conrad was forever the perfect lover, just as he was the perfect soldier, perfect confidant, and perfect friend. Yuuri was starting to wish that he wouldn't be so perfect. That he would make at least one mistake so that Yuuri didn't have to feel so horrible about everything all the time. Which was really a ridiculous thought, Conrad had made plenty of mistakes in his life, mistakes he never seemed to stop ruminating over and blaming himself for. But they all seemed to pale in consideration to the mistake that Yuuri had made, was _still_ making. He wished Murata were here to tell him what an idiot he was being.

But Murata was not here, nor was Yozak with his easy way and his solutions to seemingly every problem. Conrad wasn't even really here either. A dispassionate man had replaced him and Yuuri was sick and tired of this new Conrad already. He wanted _his_ Conrad back, even if he knew what that would mean.

A fake Conrad or no Conrad. It was an impossible decision that had only one answer. Yuuri would simply have to make do.

***

"Good morning, Heika. Are you ready for our morning run?"

It was an innocent question, one that had been asked nearly every day that Yuuri had spent in Blood Pledge Castle. It was also a question that he'd come to resent with a passion that was starting to scare him. But denial was his new best friend, so he pretended that everything was normal and right with the world, just as Conrad did, put on his best smile, and left for their run.

It was a nice morning; the air was crisp and cool with the first few days of summer and the promise of sweltering heat to come. But this early it was still pleasant and perfect to run in. Conrad was, as ever, perfectly encouraging and paced himself so that Yuuri had to push but was not overly strained.

They stopped briefly in the shade of the west wall to drink a few mouthfuls of water and to rest tired and sweaty limbs. Yuuri watched as Conrad drank, the water being slowly sipped as if it were unimportant, the soldier as unruffled as ever, not even appearing to be breathing fast. Yuuri slowly replaced the cap of his bottle and took Conrad's canteen from his grasp. Both were placed on the ground before the young king launched himself at his loyal soldier and pulled his head down so their lips could meet.

Yuuri was used to being the one to initiate their encounters (Conrad had never asked for anything except on the too few and too brief occasions where his passion had overcome him) so asking for this was no longer strange. Being the one to start things had frightened him the first few times, not knowing if this was what Conrad truly wanted or if he was simply bowing to his king's will. But Yuuri had pushed forward and been rewarded for his bravery. Now Yuuri continued to push, the only difference being that he _knew_ this wasn't what Conrad wanted. But he couldn't stop. It was addicting in a way nothing else had ever been, and no matter how many times he told himself to stop, he was unable to do so.

So he continued to press tentative kisses to Conrad's lips and sighed as they were returned equally and never with any more passion then what Yuuri showed. But that was all they did. No more equally tentative hands exploring skin that lips were too scared to touch, no more lazy afternoons under trees soaking up love as easily as they soaked up the sun. That was one promise Yuuri intended to keep to himself, he would not become any more of a monster than he already was.

***

Lunch came both too quickly and too slowly. Gunter's lessons were as boring as ever, but in the end, they were better than sitting at the table pretending that everything was normal. There was no reason for any of them to know about what had happened (Conrad would never tell and was too good of an actor to give anything away) but Yuuri still felt their eyes upon him and couldn't help but imagine their accusations if they ever realized what he was doing. Conrad sat near to him, as always, and easily entertained Greta as they spoke of their day so far. Yuuri spoke little, ate even less, and watched the easy conversation while he yearned to turn back time.

"Hey, Wimp!"

Yuuri jerked and splattered the soup resting in his spoon across the table and onto Gwendal's immaculate uniform. The general frowned disapprovingly before excusing himself as Yuuri attempted to apologize. Wolfram snorted and pushed the king back to his chair before facing him and glaring.

"I'm trying to talk to you, Wimp," the prince waited until Yuuri's eyes met his before continuing, "In fact, I've been trying to talk to you for a while now."

"Sorr-"

"I wasn't finished," another disapproving glare was given, although not nearly as menacing as Gwendal's had been, "you're not eating. In fact, you haven't been eating for a while now, and I demand to know as your ex-fiancé why this is!"

Yuuri sat and tried to stutter out a reply, intently aware of everyone's eyes on him. He met them all in turn. Wolfram's gaze was fierce as always, Gunter's sad and tearful, Greta's worried, and Conrad's blank as was his new norm. Yuuri found himself unable to look away for a good long moment and only did so when Wolfram banged his fist upon the table. Yuuri jerked again to look at the blond before sighing and finishing his lunch, aware each minute it took him to eat of everyone watching him. He choked down the bread and slurped up the soup before leaving, feeling their gazes like lasers on his back. He made it to the end of the hall before he had to stop and be sick into a nearby plant.

***

The rest of the day was spent cooped up in Gwendal's office, and for once he was glad when Conrad didn't try to steal him away. The room was cool despite the heat of the sun beating down and Yuuri was able to lose himself in the monotony of paperwork. Gwendal was, as usual, quiet and focused, something Yuuri welcomed after the chatter of the day and the pointed questions everyone else insisted on asking and that he couldn't escape. Gwendal wouldn't bother him, not so long as he did his work like a good little Maou and kept his signature neat.

Time passed quickly and before he knew it they were being summoned to dinner. He glanced around for an excuse and finally begged off by complaining of a headache. He knew it would only increase the questions and cause everyone to worry more; but he couldn't face Conrad again. Not so soon after lunch, not so soon after this morning.

The trip to his bedroom was quick and routine, as were his nightly absolutions, and soon he was slipping under the cool sheets of his bed. Sleep was long in coming and fitful when he finally succumbed to it. His stomach growled and ached, and when it didn't, he felt nauseous and wished for the cool comfort of his mom or even the bitter medicine of Gisela. When the knocks came at his door he ignored them, and wished Conrad would leave him alone as much as he wished the soldier would ignore propriety for once and come in uninvited. He told himself he was relieved when the footsteps faded down the corridor.

* * *

AN2: Wow. Sorry this is so depressing. I'm hoping it will get better soon.


	4. A day in the life of a soldier

Title: You Each Time 4/?

Author: Littlestkitten (saratu on lj)

Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou

Pairing: Conrad/Yuuri, implied past Conrad/Julia

Rating: PG

Word Count: 1,797

AN: This is the same day as the last chapter but from Conrad's POV. I actually wasn't going to write this but somebody made a comment about Conrad's POV and then it sounded like a good idea. I also realized that without this chapter there would hardly be any Conrad POV in the whole story. Also, I've left out certain bits of dialogue that happened in the last chapter because I didn't want to be too boring repeating everything again. The next chapter has more plot, I promise.

* * *

The Maou had been quiet lately. A few years ago this would have been cause for extreme upset. Now it was concerning, but not overly so. Most people probably wouldn't even notice, and if they did, would chalk it up to Yuuri having something on his mind, or just being in an introspective mood. Conrart, however, knew that it was more than that. Or at least, he was pretty sure it was more than that.

Furthermore, he was pretty sure he was the cause of it. Yuuri hadn't been quite the same since their conversation two nights ago, and really, anybody would be upset after a conversation like that. No, Conrart wasn't surprised that Yuuri was quiet lately, he just wished there was something he could do about it. Some way he could make the light return to Yuuri's eyes. If only he could fix things as easily as he ruined them. Maybe in his next life that could be his goal - learning how to fix things.

***

"Good morning, Heika. Are you ready for our morning run?"

It was his normal greeting, said in his normal way, but Yuuri's reaction was anything but normal. His silence weighed heavily upon the soldier and the lack of response to Conrart's greeting was almost palpable in the air. There were no admonitions of "you named me!" or "call me Yuuri!" and Conrart missed that more than he ever thought he would. They were slowly becoming more and more distant from each other and Conrart feared the day when he would look over and find that he no longer understood or recognized his king.

But for now he had to deal with the present Yuuri, one he could still read at least a little. Or at least enough to see the fake smile for what it was. Conrart wanted to try and talk to Yuuri, to figure out exactly what he was thinking, what was wrong, and what Conrart could do to help. But his courage failed him in a way it never had before and soon they were in the courtyard, and early as it was, too many people were there who might overhear. So instead, they ran.

It was a brisk pace as usual, with Conrart making sure that Yuuri could still keep up. It was no where near the speed he was used to training at with his soldiers; however, it was enough to clear his mind of the thoughts that had been permeating it throughout the day. He was much like his brothers in that physical exercise had always allowed him a certain freedom from thoughts. Although he doubted that others would count Gwendal's knitting or Wolfram's tantrums as exercise. But even in this state of calm he was forever aware of Yuuri and soon realized it was time for a water break.

They drank in silence, both of them lost to their own thoughts, and Conrart wished more than ever that he could figure out what to say to fix this. He was just about to open his mouth and try, when Yuuri tackled him and pushed him against the wall. After this show of force, however, the young king simply held him there for a few moments and Conrart, in spite of himself, felt the electric pull of anticipation surge through him.

Oh, how he wanted this boy. More so than he'd wanted anyone else in his life. Even his passion for Julia paled in comparison to what he felt toward Yuuri. Which was part of the problem. Yuuri deserved more than this lust, he deserved somebody who truly loved him for who he was and not for his body or for who his soul used to belong to. Yuuri would understand with time, soon he would look for someone who loved him for himself. Conrart had tried to push him along that path but had failed. And now they were at this damnable impasse, neither willing to give into the other, and both waiting for something that would never come. Just as they were now, Yuuri waiting for Conrart to, for once, initiate their kisses, and Conrart waiting for Yuuri to let him go or to continue what he'd started.

Finally Yuuri released him from his anticipatory hell and pressed up and forward, bringing their lips together. The kisses were soft and seeking. Gone were the days of harsh passion that drew them both into forgetting themselves. Also gone, were the days of lazily exploring each other, of softer kisses meant to show love and respect. Now there was only desperation, seeking for something that was not there anymore and knowing this, but still hoping. Conrart was glad that Yuuri was still too young and innocent to want more. He didn't think he could be with the king in a more intimate way without allowing some of the emotions he worked so hard to keep hidden escape. Whether it be the disappointment that he told himself he shouldn't feel, or the passion that still kept him awake most nights, either one would be damning and far too hurtful to Yuuri.

It would be easier if it were any other king. If he served a harsher master he could simply fade away and let his body be used in any way his king demanded. But it was Yuuri, and he deserved more than that, and Conrart knew that Yuuri would hate himself if he ever thought he was forcing someone. So Conrart let the kisses come, and even participated in them, but did not encourage and tried not to take pleasure from them. After all, this was for Yuuri, and Conrart would never hurt or use the precious boy, at least not if he could help it.

***

The rest of the morning was spent training the new recruits in swordplay. They were a good bunch, if a little overly young. The previous war and the battles after it had caused them to start recruiting younger and younger. But there was nothing they could really do about it, except hope that they'd have peace for long enough to let these men grow up into seasoned warriors. With Yuuri around, there was an actual chance of that happening.

Before he knew it, the sun was high in the sky and the men were getting antsy for a break. He sent them off and made his own way to the smaller banquet room that the king and his close advisors took their meals in. As was his norm, Conrart sat between Yuuri and Greta.

Lunch was a mostly silent affair, with the rest of the table taking their cues from Yuuri and remaining quiet and subdued. He wanted to speak with Yuuri, to try and bring a smile to his face, but he found he was unable to think of anything to say. Yuuri didn't appear to want to speak anyway and Conrart didn't want to draw attention to their troubles. Instead, he spent his time speaking with Greta about her day. The young girl was a little subdued, picking up on the adults' moods, but was soon back to her lively self with a little encouragement.

Their conversation was soon interrupted, however, by Wolfram's usual loud demeanor and even louder demands of the king. Everyone quieted to listen to the mostly one-sided 'conversation'. Wolfram was right, the king hadn't been eating lately, something that had been worrying all of them a fair amount. Trust his younger brother to bring this up when no one else had been willing to. Yuuri seemed uncomfortable with the topic and squirmed throughout Wolfram's tirade. After a while he looked from person to person until he met Conrart's eyes. Conrart felt caught by that gaze, pinned down and unable to move. Yuuri's eyes were almost blank, his expression turned inward, and Conrart felt despair well up inside of him at the thought of being the cause of this. He drew on his hard earned mask in order to not let these emotions shine through; Yuuri had enough to worry about without Conrart adding to his burden.

Their silent gazing was interrupted by Wolfram once again banging on the table. Yuuri jerked as if hit and broke eye contact with something like a guilty look crossing his face. He quickly set himself to eating his meal although he looked as if it was causing him physical pain to choke it down. The young king left the table as soon as he was done and all but ran out of the room.

Conrart wanted more than anything to follow the boy but had a feeling that Yuuri didn't want to talk to him at the moment. He watched the king leave with everyone else and was soon aware of their eyes turning to him. He could tell they wanted answers but was unable to give them any. So he turned back to Greta and tried to get her mind off of the previous confrontation. At the very least he could stop his niece from worrying about her father's troubles, even if he couldn't help her father himself.

***

Petty concerns filled the rest of his day and before he knew it the bell was being rung for dinner. He wearily made his way toward the dining room, exhausted despite there being no good reason for it. Dinner was a solemn affair, Yuuri's absence obvious and all the more disconcerting because of what had happened during lunch. They all ate quickly, as if by some unspoken accord, and soon were finished and leaving the room.

Conrart walked the halls with no thought of a destination. His feet brought him to the corridor that housed the royal bedroom before he forcibly took back control and turned the opposite way. He soon found himself back in that corridor, however, and finally gave into fate and knocked softly at the door guarding the Maou's sleep.

No answer came and he slowly rested his forehead against the door, as if bridging that small distance could bring him closer not only to Yuuri, but also to understanding Yuuri's thoughts. He wanted to announce himself - before all of this, he would have been granted instant access no matter who Yuuri was hiding from - but Conrart feared the silence that might follow almost more than he feared actually having to face Yuuri again. So he stayed silent, and kept quiet vigil at the door before turning and fleeing in a way he never would have considered if this had been a battle. Besides, it wouldn't do for someone to find him haunting the Maou's door, everybody was on edge as it was, and they didn't need to worry about Conrart's odd behavior on top of everything else.


	5. In which decisions are made

Title: You Each Time 5/?

Author: Littlestkitten (saratu on lj)

Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou

Pairing: Conrad/Yuuri, implied past Conrad/Julia

Rating: G

Word Count: 4,269 (this chapter is like the energizer bunny)

AN: This was actually supposed to be the third chapter, and then the fourth, and was started first. But then I decided that it felt like a bit of a cop out. I started this story to explore certain ideas and by skipping ahead I was failing in doing so. If you guys haven't noticed, I'm not much of an action oriented writer, or even one that starts at point A and goes to B and then C. I'm much more for skipping B and going straight to C and just writing about the repercussions and emotions of B.

This happens about two weeks after the last chapter.

* * *

There was an ill feeling in the air. It was almost cloying, almost palpable, the sense of despair in the castle. Things had been bad before, but now it appeared as if they were only getting worse. And still nobody new why. The king and his loyal knight were back together, happy to the outside observer, and yet not.

There was still something off about them. And when they were unhappy, that unhappiness seemed to spread like a plague to everyone else. First to the advisors and nobles of the court, then to the soldiers and servants who worked closely with them, and then to everyone else. Even the people in the city seemed to catch it. The country was finally at peace, yet no one was happy.

***

Yuuri was brooding. It was an unusual occurrence, but one that was becoming more and more frequent as time passed. Gwendal was also brooding. This was entirely normal yet worrisome in different ways. It would have been quite amusing under normal circumstances - the ever-carefree Maou mimicking his dour general in an almost uncanny fashion - and yet, it was not.

Gunter would have brooded as well, if it had been more of a Gunterish thing to do. As it was, he simply made dramatic sighs and waited to see if anyone noticed. Usually it would annoy Gwendal enough that he'd address the problem. Yuuri, it seemed, was entirely immune, or just better than Gwendal at ignoring it. Gunter was actually getting rather tired of the sound of his own sighs and was about ready to just speak outright. Unfortunately, he didn't know how to start. He had made it his goal to get to the bottom of whatever issues the Maou and Conrart were currently having, but the task seemed to become more daunting as time went on. It was not his place to advise the Maou on personal troubles, unless of course it had to do with marriage, or his advice was requested.

Talking with Conrart was also out of the question. They were closer now than they had been in the beginning, but Conrart had always been a little closed off, a little reluctant to share. Especially when it came to matters of the heart, even more so when it came to Yuuri. Gunter knew, however, that if he wanted answers he would have to talk to one of them. Gunter had methodically made his way through the inhabitants of the castle, asking what people knew. He'd even asked Anissina, and suffered for days after of maryoku exhaustion. But nobody knew anything, not even those three nosy maids had an answer. It was a mystery, one he was determined to figure out.

"Heika," he started hesitantly, not entirely sure yet of what he wanted to say. Something quite unusual to one who was used to negotiations and the fine balancing act of diplomacy. His king glanced up at him and he faltered as his gaze met the melancholy eyes of his ruler.

"Yes, Gunter?"

"Ah," he said, startled as if he hadn't started the conversation in the first place. "That is, perhaps we should have lunch!"

Not exactly the best opener, especially considering the glare it earned from Gwendal. But Gunter had learned quite well over the years that nothing was better than food in order to lighten the mood. And the atmosphere could use an ample dose of lightening.

A light frown was his only answer for a few moments as the Maou double-checked the time by glancing out the window. "Didn't we just have breakfast?"

A true observation, something he should have thought of previously, and yet one entirely shocking. His king who, while amazing, was forever attempting to shirk his duties, was actually turning down an offer for a rest break? This was worse than he'd thought.

"We did," Gunter started a little self-consciously. "But I thought you might like a break anyway. You've been working very hard lately and . . . um, well, we're all very proud of you for it."

Perhaps not the most eloquent thing he'd ever said, but Yuuri didn't appear to be paying much attention anyway. He was back to frowning at his paperwork as if it held the answer to all of his problems. Gwendal was also frowning but had his gaze pointed at the Maou.

"Gunter is right, you've done enough for today."

If anyone had entered the room at that moment they would have wondered why the king and his advisor were both doing impressions of fish. They also would have wondered why Gwendal was looking around as if wondering who had just spoken and why it had sounded like his voice.

Gwendal recovered quickly by shuffling his papers and muttering something about a man with a horse that he needed to see. He was soon out the door and down the hallway, leaving a confused Gunter and Yuuri alone in the office.

And here he was, alone with an undistracted king, and he still had no idea about what to say. They both sat in silence for a moment as if unsure of what to do now. After a while of this, Yuuri started to turn back to his paperwork, obviously intending to finish it. Gunter, seeing his chance to talk disappearing, quickly interrupted.

"Heika, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

Yuuri turned back to him with a slight frown and set down his quill again.

"Of course I do."

"Ah, well, I just wanted you to know that." Yuuri was still looking at him expectantly so after a moment he continued, hoping that he wouldn't offend his king with his words. "If you have anything you want to talk about, I'll listen. Any of us will."

Yuuri sat still, staring down at the desk again. The minutes passed slowly and still the Maou sat, as if transfixed by what Gunter knew was a boring and simple request for more supplies to be sent to an outlying village. Gunter was about to give up on his quest when the king suddenly jumped up and slammed his hands down on the table.

"I think Conrad hates me!"

Gunter jumped at the outburst and stared at Yuuri who seemed to be as surprised as he was. It was not exactly what he'd been expecting, but it was a start. Of course now that Gunter had got Yuuri talking, he had no idea of what to say next.

"Uh –"

They both stared at each other. Gunter once again doing his landed fish impression. Yuuri finally broke eye contact and turned away, biting his lip.

"I've done a terrible thing, Gunter, and I'm not sure how to make it right. I'm not sure I can make it right. Or if I really want to."

Gunter frowned, even more confused than before. He went over the previous sentence in his head, found himself still confused, and finally asked for clarification.

"I'm not sure I follow."

But before the king could say anything more, two sharp knocks sounded at the door. Yuuri glanced up with a look akin to panic before seeming to gain control of himself and calling a cheerful sounding "come in".

The subject of their conversation entered with a respectful bow and a lowered gaze.

"Heika, it's time for lunch."

Yuuri was glancing around, looking distracted and upset. He bit his lip again, something that seemed to have become a habit, before turning back to the soldier and smiling his fake grin.

"Ah, right, I asked you to eat with me didn't I?" He let out a little chuckle and rubbed the back of his head as he was wont to do. But the actions rang hollow and Yuuri seemed more despairing than happy.

"You did."

There was an uncomfortable silence once again and the three of them glanced at each other before Yuuri finally spoke.

"Right, I guess we should go then. Bye Gunter! We'll talk later, okay?"

Before Gunter could even nod they were out the door, leaving him with far more questions than before and no answers. Something was definitely not right. And, in a way, it was entirely obvious what it was. Unfortunately, Gunter still had no idea why it was not right. But he was determined to figure it out. Nobody would stand in his way when it came to making his Heika happy!

***

Lunch had become an awkward and stilted affair. But, then again, so had pretty much anything that had to do with Conrad. It wasn't as if the other man acted any different, he was still good-natured if a little overly formal. Yuuri was the one who had changed. At first he had been able to ignore the truth, he'd been able to pretend that Conrad wanted to be with him, that Conrad cared for him as something other than his king. But it had become increasingly obvious to Yuuri that this was all an act. Conrad didn't love him, never really had, and Yuuri was probably making him miserable.

Every action made by the soldier had become perfunctory. Where before, sweet gestures had been obviously thought through, they were now equally as obviously for show. Meaningless gestures made to prove the existence of a love that didn't exist. And wasn't this the exact sort of thing that Yuuri had hated about his relationship with Wolfram? The forcefulness of all of it, as if Wolfram had to prove to the world that he really did love Yuuri. And Yuuri had felt so uncomfortable, trying to show affection that didn't exist and knowing that he was hurting Wolfram with his reticence. Wasn't Yuuri doing exactly the same thing that Wolfram had tried to do? He'd fought so hard against the idea that love could be forced or coerced from a person and here he was trying to do the exact same thing. It was all spiraling out of control. And Yuuri had no idea what to do about it.

He could ask for advice, but he was as horrified at the idea of admitting his folly as he was with letting this continue. He knew he was at fault for this; he had done a horrible thing when he'd commanded Conrad to be with him. He also knew that the simplest and best answer was to release Conrad from what was obviously an onerous duty. But he didn't want to. He was afraid. Afraid that once Conrad was free he would leave and never come back. Afraid that he'd never get another chance be with the soldier who he'd come to love so dearly. So, even though he knew it was wrong and horrible and cruel, he didn't repeal his order. He let this farce of a relationship continue and made both himself and the man he loved suffer.

And how could he confess this to anyone? Gwendal and Wolfram were Conrad's brothers, and despite their odd relationship with each other, Yuuri knew that neither of them would stand for this sort of abuse continuing. He had almost told Gunter earlier. He had wanted to; at the very least he needed talk about some of this mess, even if he didn't confess all of the damning details surrounding the issue. But it had been so hard to make the words come out. He valued the respect of everyone in the castle and he very much did not want to lose it. Gunter would be horrified to hear about what was happening. Not to mention he'd been one of Conrad's teachers and a friend of the family.

There were others that he could ask - Murata always gave good advice, even if Yuuri didn't always understand why it was good. And if not Murata, he could ask someone else in the castle, or even go home and ask someone in his family. It all came back to the same thing, he was ashamed, and furthermore, he knew what they would say. That he should end this before it got any worse. Which brought him back to the other problem - he didn't want to end this. So he continued until he could muster up the courage to do something.

Of course, none of this helped him in the now, and he was still stuck on how to act. Luckily Conrad had always been good at defusing awkward situations and had not lost this ability. And by the slight shifting and opening of his mouth, it looked like he was about to come to the rescue again.

"How has your day been, Heika?"

Yuuri flinched at the use of 'Heika' but didn't feel up to correcting it. He didn't feel like he _deserved_ to correct it. Conrad was only doing this on his king's orders after all, it made sense for him to keep that status quo.

"Fine," he said, looking away toward the window, "I've been getting a lot of work done lately."

"Ah, Gwendal must be happy."

Yuuri nodded and re-focused on cutting his meat into smaller pieces. He noticed Conrad watching him and took a small bite to placate him. It had become rather annoying how everyone insisted on making him eat more. He just wasn't hungry ever. It didn't mean there was something wrong, or that he had some disorder or anything. He wasn't growing anymore, that was all, and therefore simply didn't need to eat as much.

Conrad was still frowning, however, and even though it annoyed Yuuri, he still felt a little happy that Conrad would drop his mask long enough to show concern. For a few blissful moments it felt almost normal between them, and Yuuri took a moment to bask in this perfection.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

Yuuri nodded slowly and went back to mangling his food. He wanted to open up to Conrad, he knew he was hurting the other man by keeping silent about his troubles, but how could he talk about what was bothering him with someone so intricately involved in all of his problems? Of course, that would probably be the 'healthy' thing to do. But Yuuri couldn't help but think it would just make things worse, make Conrad feel guilty, and open up the possibility of Conrad asking for change. Yuuri was definitely not ready for that yet.

"Heika," Conrad paused, considering his words, "you can always talk to me. No matter what, I'll always be here for you. I'll always be willing to listen and give you the best advice possible. You know that right?"

Yuuri bit his lip again for what felt like the millionth time, and worried the little sore that had developed. All of his reasons for not talking fled his mind and he asked the question that had been bothering him for some time now.

"Do you hate me?"

Yuuri could tell that Conrad was surprised and alarmed by the question. They sat in silence before Conrad rallied. Reaching across the table he grasped Yuuri's hand and softened his features.

"I could never hate you."

"Hmph," Yuuri snorted, "I don't believe you."

"Heika –"

"No!" Yuuri practically shouted, yanking his hand back as he jumped up, rattling the dishes in his haste, "Please don't lie to me, whatever I said before, I want you to tell me the truth right now. I . . . I need to know. Please."

Conrad also stood but remained on the other side of the table, separated from Yuuri as he always seemed to be. "Heika, I could never lie to you."

Yuuri laughed almost hysterically at this, finally looking up to meet the soldier's eyes. "Haven't you?" The accusing sentence was punctuated with a wave of his hand, indicating the both of them. "If you could never lie to me, then what do you call this?"

Both of them were silent after Yuuri's outburst. Conrad opened and closed his mouth multiple times, searching for something to say. The silence stretched before it was finally broken by the scrape of the king's chair being pushed back further. The energy was gone from him, although he hid his sudden exhaustion behind a smile.

"Please excuse me, I have paperwork to finish."

And with that, he left the room and headed to his office, leaving his loyal knight standing, stunned, at the table set for two.

***

"You're an idiot."

The words echoed in the early evening light, ringing in Conrart's head as if they were an exclamation of guilt. He turned with a sigh to face his childhood friend.

"I believe we've been over this, Yozak."

His friend lightly jumped from his vantage point of a tree branch before speaking again. "Really? Because you seem to have forgotten that fact."

Conrart glared, and sighed again, before slowly turning as if to leave. Yozak was in front of him before he could fully make the move, blocking his path with his presence and accusations.

"So, what are you going to do about this?" The question was accompanied by an easy grin, Yozak's way of trying to lighten the mood, to show that he was not entirely serious, even if they both knew that that wasn't true. Yozak wouldn't bother bringing this up if he weren't serious about his questions, if he didn't think they were worth asking. Conrart refused to play his games.

"What am I going to do about what?"

Yozak laughed a little, realizing finally, or at least deciding to acknowledge how much Conrart wasn't in the mood for this. "Now, now, no need to be so surly."

All he received was another glare for his efforts.

Yozak let out another of his fake little laughs before goading Conrart once again. "You're going to turn into Sir Von Voltaire if you're not careful."

Conrart finally turned fully to face his friend. If Yozak wouldn't leave him alone – and it was pretty obvious he had no intention of doing so – then Conrart would make quick work of this conversation.

"What do you want?"

"Just to talk to an old friend, is that such a crime?"

Conrart almost felt guilty, would have felt that way, if he didn't know Yozak so well. It was another of the spy's ploys to get him to speak. He wasn't about to fall for it. Not when he wasn't entirely sure what would come out, and whether or not he'd be able to stop once he started. So he continued to play his own role in this game, the one of the 'surly' soldier, as Yozak liked to call him.

"It is when you refuse to make sense."

Yozak sighed, becoming serious in an instant, dropping their game for now. "Conrart, how long are you planning on letting this continue?"

"Until Heika releases me from my duty."

They watched each other for a moment, both serious, and neither willing to back down. Until Yozak drew back on his laughing mask and once again became playful, soothing the sharp sting of his words with a smile.

"You're both going to just end up miserable. Hell, both of you are _already_ miserable."

"And what do you suggest I do about?" Conrart questioned, suddenly angry, and tired, oh so tired, of this game, of everything. But his anger was short lived and left him just as quickly as it had come. "I can't disobey him. I promised that I wouldn't betray him again."

"And isn't this already a betrayal?" Yozak asked softly, "This insistence on pretending something that's not true? He may be the Maou, but he's still a child. He needs your guidance in this, even if he won't admit it just yet. Stop being so stubborn and end this so he doesn't have to."

"Yozak . . ." Conrart started before trailing off. But Yozak was not done, and spoke again with a brutality that he usually saved for the battlefield.

"Didn't you also promise to never hurt him again?"

Conrart flinched back as if hit, and Yozak finished his well-aimed attack before disappearing into the night.

"I would think that that promise should be equally, if not more, important."

***

"Heika."

The greeting was punctuated with a short bow that Yuuri only saw out of the corner of his eyes. He straightened up to look at Conrad but kept his quill in his hand still, not ready to give up the protection that his paperwork gave him. He wondered if maybe this was why Gwendal spent so much time holed up in his office. But what could the general possibly need to hide from? Other than Gunter's dramatics and Anissina's experiments of course.

"Yes?" He questioned, trying hard to adopt a bored tone although he suspected it simply made him sound tired.

"May I speak with you?"

Yuuri sighed and laid his quill to rest on the small piece of wood set there for that purpose. He slowly stood and stretched, letting out a small groan as his back popped and cracked, before coming around and hopping up on his desk to sit.

"If you wish."

"Heika," Conrad stopped and glanced around the office. He seemed unsure in a way that Yuuri used to think was impossible but had started to seem almost normal. "I think we should stop this."

Yuuri's eyes widened and he was on his feet in an instance, feeling almost hysterical and angry all at once. He didn't really realize he'd moved until he was standing right in front of Conrad.

"What?"

"Uh," Conrad seemed frozen in surprise before he rallied and drew his stoic mask back on. "I just don't think this is making you happy. If it truly is, then we'll continue." The soldier paused again, seemingly searching for words. "But I don't think it is. Heika, this isn't fair to you."

Yuuri snorted and backed up before turning away. He strode toward his window and stared outside blankly. "It's not fair to _me_? I-I . . . I just don't know what to do anymore. Conrad, I love you." The last was spoken softly, as if he didn't want the other man to hear it. But he knew he had been heard by the sudden, surprised inhalation from Conrad.

He laughed wryly and turned back to face the soldier. "I guess I haven't been doing such a good job of showing it, huh?"

"Hei - . . . Yuuri, this can't continue."

"I know," he whispered moving back toward Conrad and stopping just short of touching him. "I've known that all along." They regarded each other before Yuuri looked down, suddenly feeling small in a way that he hadn't for a long time now. He spoke to Conrad's buttons, unwilling to see the initial response to his next question. "Are you going to leave?"

The uniform jacket moved with Conrad's answer that came in the form of a soft question. "Do you want me to leave?"

"I want you to be happy," Yuuri whispered, "You deserve to be happy after all that I've done."

"Oh, Yuuri," Conrad started, sounding wistful and sad, "I am happy. I'm happy being here with you."

Yuuri jerked away at that, suddenly feeling close to tears. "Please don't say that."

He could tell that Conrad was confused but Yuuri didn't feel like explaining. Instead he moved away as Conrad reached for him. But the soldier was unwilling to let it go and followed after him. "It's true."

"But it's not true. Or, at least it's not true the way I want it to be." Yuuri bit his lip and stopped his retreat before chuckling despairingly. "I'm a very selfish person."

"Yuu – "

"Please let me finish. I just, why am I enough? No, don't answer that." Yuuri took a deep breath before continuing in the only way he knew was fair to both of them. "I release you from your . . . your _duties_," he practically spat that word out, as if it were the most vile thing he'd ever heard, "as my lover. Stay here, or leave if you want. Do whatever will make you happy."

The room was silent as they regarded each other. Conrad opened and closed his mouth as if to speak but only gave a saddened sigh as he turned to leave. Yuuri bit his lip in indecision before blurting out a command to wait. They both stood frozen in place, Conrad turned away from his king in a way he'd promised to never do again, Yuuri reaching toward him in much the same way he always had. Conrad slowly turned back and Yuuri returned to his study of Conrad's buttons.

"Conrad, I-I want you to stay," Yuuri took a deep breath before continuing, "I'll understand if you choose to leave. I just want you to be happy." He finally found the courage to look into Conrad's eyes, searching for something and not knowing what. "Please be happy."

He pushed past his guardian, friend, and short-time lover. It was his turn to run away and he did so quickly and efficiently, hoping to reach his room before breaking down.

Conrad stood there for a long moment, peering out of the still open door after him. He finally let his hand drop that he'd raised to try and grab at his king with. He sighed softly into the empty corridor. "I'm not sure this will make me happy."

And with that, he too left the room, heading for his own room, in the hope that the next morning would bring the answers that they both sorely needed.

* * *

AN2: Tah-dah! I think this story will be wrapped up with one more part and possibly an epilogue. If it's not out within a week then it probably won't be out until July. The first month of summer session will be brutal and I will have pretty much no free time. Sorry. But I'll try my best to get it out as soon as possible.


	6. In which Yuuri faints and Conrart leaves

Title: You Each Time 6/?

Author: Littlestkitten (saratu on lj)

Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou

Pairing: Conrad/Yuuri, implied past Conrad/Julia

Rating: G

Word Count: 4,994

AN: I'm very sorry for the delay in this chapter. I could give you a million excuses about school and life but I doubt any of you are really interested in that. I hope it was worth the wait! I want to say thank you to everyone who has reviewed or read this story. I really appreciate all the thoughtful feedback I've been given and it's really made me examine my own thoughts on this story.

* * *

The king had been hiding from him. Not that he blamed Yuuri for this; he would probably have hidden as well. It was still depressing, however, and Conrart couldn't help but think of the days when Yuuri had first come to Shin Makoku. He had been so open then, so cutely naïve and trusting, as if he truly believed that everyone was redeemable.

To Conrart he had been the sun, shining brightly and guiding him along even in his darkest moments. And Conrart had lived for him, still lived for him. Not that much had really changed. Yuuri was still trusting and slightly naïve, but he'd learned quickly that not everyone was willing to listen and that many would take advantage of the slightest weakness. He'd been betrayed and he'd had his own share of sadness, but Yuuri was still essentially the same. He still shone so much brighter than anyone in this world. But that light had started to dim during the past few weeks, and Conrart knew exactly who was to blame for it. It was Conrart, the man who had sworn to protect the king from all harm, it was this man who had become the dark cloud hiding the sun from the world, and Conrart could not let it continue. Yuuri would survive, he always did, and if that light could go back to its former intensity without him there, then Conrart would leave.

Yuuri deserved better than him, he always had, and Conrart would no longer stand in his way.

***

Conrad was leaving. His horse was saddled, his bags were packed, and he was striding out into the courtyard, ready to mount. His family, as well as Gunter and Anissina, were with him, all saying their goodbyes. Yuuri was not. Yuuri was in a pleasant sitting room on the third floor, watching surreptitiously from the window. It was a cowardly thing to do and he knew this. But he couldn't bring himself to join everyone else saying goodbye.

He and Conrad had not spoken since that night in his office when he'd bid the soldier to leave. Yuuri wasn't sure if Conrad had been avoiding him or if he himself had simply done such a good job of it that they'd never met. It was an easy enough thing to do, Yuuri simply only ate meals when he knew Conrad was on patrol, he avoided going outside, avoided the stables, and stayed in his office or his room for most of the day.

Of course now that Conrad was gone he no longer had an excuse to hide away. He could go back to spending time with everyone again. Yuuri glanced around the room, took one more look outside at the man he loved, and slowly left. He started toward the dining room but thought better of it. Everyone had to know that it was his fault that Conrad was leaving. Surely they wouldn't want him around right now. So instead he turned left and went to his office. He still had stacks of paperwork to finish after all. No need to let things pile up again.

***

The road was wet and muddy, thanks to a sudden shower of rain, and Conrart was soaked. So was the other soldier who was traveling with him. The man was quiet and taciturn, not willing to speak unless needed. The silence suited Conrart well and he was glad for the semblance of aloneness it afforded him. He was glad that Gwendal had only sent one other soldier with him to join the long-term patrol on the border. A recent skirmish had injured a few men, including their commander, and they'd needed reinforcements. The patrol, however, had been marked for downsizing already, so while five men had been sent home only two were needed to replace them.

The assignment was rather below his skill level but Conrart had volunteered for it. They needed someone out there who had experience not only with border troubles but with the type of villages that tended to crop up around there. Conrart had always had a way with civilians and they had a tendency to trust him even if they didn't trust the Mazoku in general. His half human heritage seemed to help him here even as it hindered him at court.

The other soldier was also overqualified for the outpost but had likewise requested it for reasons unknown to Conrart. It seemed that both of them were attempting to escape something. While the quiet contemplation suited Conrart, it also left his mind open to think about his problems. The thoughts and the guilt that accompanied them welled up inside him no matter how much he tried to push them down. He had spent the day before shying away from them and letting his thoughts flit to and fro between the different things he'd need to do once he reached the camp. When he found himself actually making up a speech in his head to say when he reached his destination he finally put a stop to it. Nothing was ever gained by running away from one's problems and Conrart had never been a coward. He deserved it anyway, Yuuri was upset and even if Conrart's unhappiness couldn't relieve his king's, he still didn't deserve relief from it when Yuuri was sad. So Conrart let the thoughts and the contemplations come, they circled like vultures in his mind seeking out all the cracks in his psyche before precisely diving to attack where he'd be hurt the most.

Unconsciously during his mental self-flagellation Conrart started to hunch forward in his seat as if to protect himself from his inner thoughts. The other soldier took note of it before deciding it was simply an attempt to keep as dry as possible and went back to his own silent musings.

***

The days stretched long and wearily before him, seeming to be never ending and at the same time over too fast. For when night came, he was alone with his thoughts and had no escape. Yuuri started working later and later into the night to try and ward away his inner demons - or at least exhaust himself enough to not have nightmares. Sometimes it was successful, but mostly he spent his short nights in fitful sleep, feeling almost as tired the next morning.

His dreams were cruel, even when they weren't nightmares about what could be happening to Conrad on some far away border. When he didn't dream of the blank stares of the dead he dreamt of what could have been if he'd been better. Yuuri started to prefer his nightmares, it was better to wake up in relief when he realized that Conrad was not dead, than to wake up with despair and disappointment when Conrad was not beside him in bed and would probably never be again.

As horrible as the nights were, the days were almost just as bad. Yuuri was constantly reminded of Conrad's absence. There was not a part of the castle that did not hold some memory of the soldier, every corridor and room was a reminder and Yuuri could not escape it. The people were even worse. Yuuri avoided them as much as possible. He spent most of his time staring down so as to not meet their eyes and see the pity reflected there. Everybody tiptoed around him and his moods, not wanting to make him more depressed, and consequently, making everything worse for the reminder that everything was not okay.

The only person who did not treat him any differently was Gwendal. The older man was as stern as ever and Yuuri appreciated it more than he ever thought he would. He spent as much time as possible in the general's presence, trying to soak up his calm and stony mask. His productivity had only increased for it and Yuuri was amazed at how quickly he finished his paperwork without all the needless breaks he had gotten into the habit of taking.

As much as he hated what had happened, he did realize that he was becoming a far better king because of it. At least when it came to his administrative duties. Even Gwendal had looked impressed when Yuuri had finished a stack of paperwork in record time. The man was eyeing him now, in fact, and Yuuri jerked out of his daydream to continue his work. But Gwendal's look had not been admonishing and he cleared his throat soon after to get the young king's attention.

Yuuri finished reading the sentence before slowly looking up and smiling faintly to show that he was paying attention. The general paused before pinching at the bridge of his nose and continuing.

"Heika, I think that is enough work for today."

Yuuri blinked before frowning. Gunter had been getting on his case about working too much and it seemed he had roped Gwendal into talking with him as well. Yuuri smiled his brightest smile - although it no longer reached his eyes - and laughed dismissively.

"Don't be silly, Gwendal. The day has just started, and there's plenty more to do." Yuuri ignored the increasing wrinkles in Gwendal's brow and bent back over his papers. But his general would not be ignored and continued as if Yuuri had not spoken.

"With all due respect, Heika. The day has not just started. In fact, lunch was supposed to have been an hour ago. Now, give me those papers, they are nothing I can't do."

Yuuri glared up at Gwendal before remembering exactly why he had been afraid of this man when he'd first met him. He shuddered to think about meeting him on the other side of a battlefield. But Yuuri had since grown out of most of his childish fears; he knows Gwendal would never harm him. So he squared his shoulders and tried to look the part of the confident king. The act was soon quelled, however, with one stern(er) look from Gwendal and soon his shoulders slumped back down.

"I'm not very hungry," he murmured, trying the last tactic of being pitiful and cute. Gwendal was not moved.

"You haven't been very hungry lately, Heika. That doesn't mean you can starve yourself. I understand that you miss my brother but you have to take care of yourself," Gwendal paused as if debating something with himself. He then glared to the side and said in a voice that Yuuri almost couldn't hear for its quietness. "Gunter's worried."

Yuuri bit his lip and blinked back tears. He wasn't upset over Gwendal's words, not really at least. He knew that even though they were harsh, Gwendal only wanted what was best for him. But he was frustrated with the whole situation, frustrated with his inability to get over Conrad and to move on. It wasn't like the man was dead, surely he shouldn't be grieving this much. Especially since he knew Conrad would be back eventually. He pinched his nose to disguise the wiping away of tears; although he was sure Gwendal knew exactly what he was doing.

He nodded at the other man before slowly leaving the office. It wouldn't hurt to go get something from the kitchen, even if it made him vaguely nauseous to think of food. Gwendal was right, he wasn't eating enough, his uniform was getting baggy in places, something that worried Gunter to no end. He couldn't run a country if he collapsed from hunger. And maybe people would start treating him like normal if he didn't look half-starved.

***

The camp was a typical outpost; no different from any of the numerous ones Conrart had stayed in over the years. This one was unfortunately located in a rather rainy part of the country, something that made many of the men rather testy. But Conrart took the extra discomfort in stride and tried to pay the rain no mind. A little rain never hurt anyone - and even if it made keeping his uniform clean rather impossible - it wasn't like he had anyone to impress out here.

The days passed in the weary way days full of work and little rest tended to do. Even though he felt almost perpetually busy running patrols and seeing to whatever problems cropped up, he still had too much time to think. He had been doing this sort of thing for long enough that he no longer needed to give his full attention to his patrols. He yearned for the escape battle would give him even as he felt guilty for wishing for something that would undoubtedly bring injuries to his men and potentially harm the nearby villagers.

Distraction did, however, end up appearing, even if it was the last sort of distraction he wanted. The man appeared early in the morning, sitting tall upon his horse and looking immaculate despite the rain and the mud. Conrart was transported for a moment back to his youth when he'd resented that poise more than almost anything. The man had always managed to grate on Conrart's nerves, even before he had been engaged to the only woman Conrart had ever loved.

"Well, well," Aldebert smirked in his infuriating way. "I knew there was a patrol out here but I had no idea it would be commanded by an old friend."

"And who might that be?"

Conrart knew he was acting oddly, an idea that was further proven by the raised eyebrows that Aldebert presented him with. The other man dismounted and Conrart felt irrationally smug when mud spattered on his pristine boots. His smugness soon turned back to anger when Aldebert let himself into Conrart's tent.

"I heard the king's been rather upset lately." Aldebert punctuated this by a look that insisted that he knew exactly why the king was upset. Conrart tensed further and leveled Aldebert with his best glare.

"I'm not sure what you mean to imply by that."

Aldebert snorted and rolled his eyes. "Who says I mean to imply anything? I was simply making an observation." He glanced sidelong at Conrart before continuing. "Although I have heard some interesting rumors about what has been causing this particular bought of melancholy."

Silence reigned in the tent but Conrart refused to answer. He knew he was acting surly and inhospitable but he couldn't bring himself to care. The two of them had never had any love for each other and Conrart couldn't think of a reason why he should change this now. Especially when the man was pestering him about something he'd rather not think about.

Aldebert finally gave in and broke the silence himself. "It's rather unlike him, isn't it? He's never been one to let things keep him down. She wasn't either. It was one of the things I loved most about her."

Conrart finally turned to look at him. Aldebert had never spoken of Julia to him; the subject of her had always been an unspoken taboo between them, even while she had still been alive. That he would speak of her now meant that he was truly worried over Yuuri's well being. Which meant either Yuuri was getting worse and Conrart had not yet been informed, or that Conrart had simply failed to see how bad it was before he had left. Either was worrisome and threatened to send Conrart back into the storm of unrelenting guilt and grief that he'd been caught in for the past few weeks.

Aldebert sighed again before clapping him uncharacteristically on the shoulder. "I didn't come here to make you feel worse, you know. I think it still needs to be said though, that if I had the chance at the sort of love the kid feels for you, I would take it in an instance."

Aldebert took one last look at him before leaving the tent, cloak swishing in that annoyingly dashing way that he had. He left Conrart feeling even worse than before, but this time there was a sense of underlying agitation. Something needed to be done, he'd known this before, but now it was almost impossible for him not to abandon his post and race back to the capital to do whatever he could to fix things.

***

Yuuri woke with the sun, as was his new habit. He bathed absentmindedly and was soon on his was to his office. His stomach growled but the idea of eating made him feel just as nauseated as he was hungry. He put the thought of food out of his mind, the same way he banished his lingering fatigue, and strode into his office. He pulled up short as he looked at his empty desk. Usually it was piled with paperwork, no matter how much he'd finished he day before. Lately it had been emptier but even his newfound drive couldn't have allowed him to manage to finish all of the backlog he'd been steadily working through. Which meant Gwendal was hiding it from him again.

Yuuri pivoted on his heel and started out into the corridor. If Gwendal wouldn't let him do paperwork, he'd just have to find something else productive to do. Gunter usually ended up in the library eventually - maybe he could work on catching up on his history. As he expected, his silver-haired advisor was absent but Yuuri didn't let this bother him. He ensconced himself in one of the comfy armchairs and placed a thick tome on his lap about the start of the demon tribe. He set to reading but was soon dragged back to sleep by the inherent boredom inspired by the text.

Gunter found him two hours later, head pillowed on his arm, the large book fallen to the floor. It was a testament to the king's exhaustion that the thud of the book falling had not woken him. Gunter took the quiet moment to observe his king without the other knowing. The young man was growing increasingly skinny, his uniform was baggy all over and its concealing nature was probably the only thing keeping Yuuri's bones from showing prominently.

As it was, his cheekbones were in sharp relief, creating hollows below them and highlighting the dark shadows above. It was obvious that the king was not getting enough sleep and food. Unfortunately, nobody knew how to remedy this. Everyone had tried in his or her own way but nothing had worked. If Yuuri didn't start eating on his own they would have to start forcing him to. Gisela had even gone as far as suggesting they drug his tea to make him sleep. The idea was sounding better and better, even if it would be a gross betrayal of Yuuri's trust.

Gunter's silent contemplation was broken as Yuuri jerked up with a start. He seemed to have woken from a nightmare and still appeared confused and disoriented from it. Gunter stepped forward but before he could reach the young king Yuuri had jumped up and was smiling at him.

"Sorry, I must have fallen asleep. Heh, guess I'm not cut out for independent study."

Yuuri trailed off as Gunter simply continued to stare at him. He shifted uncomfortably before making to leave. As he passed Gunter the other man reached out a hand to stop him. It was a silent question, a favor that his advisor would never command of him. Yuuri paused before going back to his chair and sitting.

"Heika, I'm sure you know that we've all been worried about you." Gunter paused here and seemed to consider something before continuing. "Why do you think Conrart hates you?"

Yuuri paled at the question, he'd hoped that Gunter had forgotten that conversation, even though he knew that was probably impossible. He didn't want to think about what had happened, let alone speak of it to someone. They would all hate him once they knew. Surely no one would want to come near him after finding out. His hands shook in trepidation and he felt his breath get shallower and quicker. His lips tingled and soon the world started to spin. The last thing he heard was Gunter's worried and surprised shout before he fainted in his chair.

***

Conrart was on his way back to the capital. He had managed to wait two days after Aldebert had visited but a letter from Wolfram had broken his resolve. Yuuri was even worse than he'd been when Conrart had left. The letter had been rambling and insulting in Wolfram's way but there was still an obvious underlying worry for Yuuri in it. The main body of it had been followed by a terse postscript about Yuuri collapsing the day before.

Gisela had said that the king had simply had a panic attack but everyone was still extremely worried for him. Gisela had forbidden him from working for the next week and had put him on a strict diet of foods meant to help him gain weight. Conrart had no way of knowing if Yuuri was sticking to the diet or the rest but he intended to soon find out.

Maybe having Conrart back at the castle wouldn't help anything, but him leaving certainly hadn't helped either. At least if he came back home he could watch Yuuri himself. Yuuri had always responded well to him and Conrart was the worst sort of coward for letting his own problems and fears get in the way of that trust. Yuuri needed him, and it was past time he was there for his king.

Conrart flew up the castle steps, hardly noticing the servants who stopped to stare at him. Nobody else mattered right now, he needed to get to Yuuri and nothing would stop him until he saw his king again. He honed in on Yuuri's location, somehow knowing that he would be in his room, even though it was an odd place for him to be at this time of day. He burst through the door and only stopped when he saw Yuuri who was sitting and staring at him with his mouth hanging slightly open. He shut the door and strode into the room, kneeling next to his king before pulling the young man into a crushing embrace. Yuuri gasped in surprise but threw his arms around Conrart and held on just as tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Yuuri." He murmured, face crushed against the boy's shoulder. "I love you, I love you so much."

Yuuri gasped in surprise and jerked away, pushing insistently at Conrart until he let go. Conrart flinched at the almost livid look on his king's face.

"Don't!" Yuuri hissed. "Don't do this to me, please, Conrad, I can't do this again."

Conrart blinked his eyes quickly and looked down, knowing he deserved it, but still feeling his heart break at the despair in Yuuri's eyes. He looked back up quickly, Yuuri deserved an explanation and Conrart was done with running. He would do his best to win Yuuri back and if he didn't succeed he would deal with it. But he wouldn't leave without resolving things.

"I mean it. I swear it to you, Yuuri, I've never meant anything more seriously in my life. I was a fool before, too caught up in the past to realize the truth. I love you, Yuuri. I love you more than my life, more than I ever loved Julia or anyone else. Although," he floundered here, loosing some of his steam to uncertainty, "I would understand if you no longer wanted me."

Yuuri gasped before throwing himself back into Conrart's arms. "Don't say that! I could never stop wanting you. I love you too, Conrad. I love you so much. Thank you for coming back to me."

"I. . ." The king had started crying in earnest now. His breath sobbed out on every exhale and each inhale was a struggle. Conrart watched him with sorrow and guilt in his eyes, knowing that he was the cause. "I could never stop loving you, Conrad." Yuuri repeated it quietly, as if reaffirming the fact to himself. He turned his face away from the piercing gaze of his knight. His breathing had calmed some although it still shuddered in and out.

A quiet sigh signaled the end of Yuuri's crying spell and he turned back toward Conrart, feeling a little more composed. He took a deep breath and continued although the tears threatened to come again at any moment. "Why?" The question pierced Conrart through and he shifted uneasily, not wanting to meet his king's eyes but unable to look away from the heartache that he'd caused. "Why did you say you didn't love me? I - I don't understand." The king broke down again with that, the last word catching and breaking, almost inaudible even to Conrart's trained soldier ears. He turned aside unable to bear looking at Yuuri anymore. The question was a good one, it was also one that was very hard to answer. He frowned in contemplation before taking a deep breath and letting it go.

"Heika," he began, before pausing as he saw Yuuri's incensed glare. "Yuuri, I don't have an easy answer. I suppose I was just scared. You are, and always will be, too good for me. You're heart is so pure and I cherish that about you. I was terrified that I would somehow ruin you, taint you in some way." He stopped in remembrance and the lingering uncertainty that somehow his fears would still come true. "I tried to stop those thoughts but they came no matter what I did." He paused once more, before turning back to his king. Yuuri deserved to be looked in the eye during this. Yuuri was frowning slightly, and he kept opening his mouth as if to speak before slowly closing it again. It was a rather adorable sight and Conrart would have teased him about it if the situation had been any less tense.

He reached forward but stopped just before touching Yuuri's face, still unsure if his touch would be welcome after all of this. Yuuri met his eyes and nuzzled into his hand, causing a fine shiver to race down Conrart's back. His breath whispered over Conrart's skin and all of the almost forgotten sensations of touch and care came racing back, sensations that Conrart had reveled in and then pushed aside as they soon caused too much sorrow in remembrance. He continued, haltingly, knowing that he needed to explain, that Yuuri deserved to hear it, but still not wanting to finish.

"Yuuri, I know I have no real excuse for what I did. I suppose I was confused, I could tell that people thought I was just using you as a replacement for Julia, even though I didn't think it was true. But it worried me, I started to wonder if it was true, you didn't deserve that and I couldn't do it to you. At some point I started to believe that maybe I did just love you for Julia." He took a deep breath as the words threatened to get caught in his throat. "You are your own person and always have been, but it can be hard for me not to compare you to her sometimes. I try not to but it still happens. You are so similar to her, even as you are entirely different. I was afraid that doing that meant that I confusing my love for her with my love for you. I wanted to protect you from that possibility, I thought that if I broke things off early on you wouldn't get as attached, that it would be less painful than if I did it a few years down the line. I was wrong to do so. I truly am sorry."

Yuuri shifted away further and looked searchingly at Conrart. "Then, you don't hate me?"

Conrart blinked in surprise before frowning and reaching for Yuuri again. "Why would you think that?"

Yuuri looked down and shifted uncomfortably, not willing to meet his eyes and pulling away more. "You went away, and . . . you were so cold to me. I did a horrible thing, I know I did!" The last bit was rushed out and said earnestly as if Yuuri feared that Conrart would not believe him. "I wronged you, more than you did me. I don't understand how you couldn't be angry." Yuuri trailed off and bit his lip, creating even more space between them.

Conrart felt the loss of that connection intensely and wanted it back. But he respected Yuuri's need for distance. He had never truly thought of the situation in terms of fault lying with anyone but him. He had wanted to be with Yuuri, even though he didn't feel he should, Yuuri had not forced him to do anything he hadn't truly wanted.

"I didn't realize I had been acting cold. That night, when I told you that you would have to order me to be with you, I only said it to drive you away. Yuuri, being with you has never been a burden. The only reason why I didn't want to was because I didn't think you deserved to be with someone whose heart wasn't completely there. I just wanted to end things quickly so that you wouldn't get hurt. Although, it seems I did a rather awful job of it." Conrart smiled wryly to himself at this. "I've never blamed you for what you did, and I could never hate you."

Yuuri nodded silently, he slowly slid out of his chair before hesitantly leaning against the soldier. The other man sighed softly and embraced him, pulling him closer still. They laid there for some time, each thinking thoughts of guilt mixed with the happiness of being back together. Things weren't perfect, they were far from it, but it was a start, and a new beginning that neither thought they would ever have.

* * *

AN2: I debated quite a while with myself about how to end this. I wanted it to end in a realistic way and not just give it a happy ending for a happy ending's sake. That being said, the very first part I wrote of this chapter was a happy ending. Obviously they still have a lot to work through. Yuuri will still have a lot of insecurities and Conrad will have a lot of guilt. Maybe one day I'll write a sequel. But don't get your hopes up.

When I was writing this story I had a lot of ideas about things to put in it. I decided not to put some of them in either because they were too angsty or because they didn't fit with the flow. I'm considering putting out a separate fic with some AU scenes. I'm not making any promises though. I know I originally said there would be an epilogue but I'm not sure I'll end up writing it. I hope you all enjoyed reading this. Thank you again for the lovely reviews.


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